Every Conflict Is An Opportunity

Beneath every interpersonal conflict is an opportunity. An opportunity to understand the other person better and deepen your relationship. 

Beneath every emotion is a deeper personal value put in jeopardy. Sadness points to a deeper value of happiness. Stress points to a deeper value of peace. Anger points to a deeper value of justice. 

There are two layers to every interpersonal conflict: the outer layer and the inner layer. You may be experiencing conflict about dirty dishes, full work schedules, or mismatched political views. But those are simply outer layer conflicts. The inner layer of dirty dishes could be a need for domestic serenity and a feeling of partnership. When we get emotional in conflict, it’s usually not about ceramic circles sitting in a sink. It’s usually about our deeper values that we feel are in jeopardy.

When we resolve the outer layer in our interpersonal conflicts, but leave the inner layer unspoken about, we’re really just putting a band-aid on a laceration. Being vulnerable about the inner layer is the surefire way to clean a would and stitch it up properly. 

But that can be difficult. 

If you’re finding yourself getting emotional in conflict, take a break and ask yourself what deeper values are in jeopardy. You never found yourself to be so principled about dishes before, so what’s driving this emotion for you? If the person you’re in conflict with is getting emotional, start asking questions to uncover the inner layer. You must create a safe space to do this. There’s a big difference between merely saying, “you can talk to me about anything,” and actually making that a reality by actively listening and monitoring your body language and tone of voice.

When we open up about the inner layer, and share our deeper values, conflict seems to melt away. The people who really love us will gladly dignify our deeper values and help us protect them. This is when interpersonal conflict becomes an opportunity. An opportunity to understand the other person better and deepen your relationship.